i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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