Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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