look no pants
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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