he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
