True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
