Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
