i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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