They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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