i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
