He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
