Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
