I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
