just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
