I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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