Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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