so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
