You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
