I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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