some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
