You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize