Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
