And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
