he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
