shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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