capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
