were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
