my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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