just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We named our party play list daddy issues
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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