I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
