Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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