Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
