Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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