I will die if light touches me.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
