I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
