yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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