So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
