Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
