i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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