I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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