he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
