Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
