if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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