he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
it hurts more in the daytime
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
