Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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