Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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