the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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