she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
