just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
