Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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