i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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