My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
the liver wants what the liver wants
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
