My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
