3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
