She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
