Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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