I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
